| | | | | | My fellow astronauts--
Sorry I'm late. I was correcting your appalling spelling and grammar. I got halfway thru Entropic's "monologue" and then I thought, fuck it, in the time it will take me to translate this shit into English I could write another thousand comics that you cretins would be too moronic to understand.
For a moment I thought I had walked by mistake into a meeting of "Losers Anonymous". But I guess you guys are going to meet after I'm done.
You know, I don't need this shit. I'm the King over at wittycomics.com.
No, this is a great honor for me, and when I say "honor", I mean "hot, stabbing pain in the crotch".
By an amazing coincidence, it was 30 years ago tonight that Groucho Marx died. Right now, I'm not feeling so perky myself.
I am here to give the rebuttal. If you don't know what rebuttal means, break it down into the root words from which it is derived. "Re", Latin for "again", "buttal" Latin for "rip you all new assholes". If you didn't know that, you'd better brush up on your Latin. So get a young Latino boy and brush up against him. Like Entropic does with sir_sweet.
I was really excited to find out Entropic was hosting my roast, and then I found out it wasn't
Entropic_Pornh ound.
Thanks for digging up my dead mother's rotten, bloated, stinking corpse and dragging it here to the roast. Please put it back when you're done sodomizing it. Oh, too late. heartagram ate it.
At least my mom is thin. Entropic's momma so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house. Yes, that's an old joke, but it happens to be true. Her fat ass is welded to the couch. Fortunately, it's one of those sectional sofas, so they can keep adding onto it as she gets fatter and fatter.
I'm glad you could make it, though, Entropic. What, are they closed for routine site maintenance at GranniesAndTrann ies.com?
Entropic is an admin here at Gnomz. Ooh. That and six-fifty will get you a tall mocchachino at Starbucks.
I know he's an admin because he goes around all day repeating, "I'm the sheriff" like Rosie O'Donnell in that movie where she played a fat retard.
I'm sorry, that's cruel. Entropic's not fat.
Yeah, I make a lot of comics. As the young kids say, SFW? IT'S A COMIC-MAKING WEBSITE. I don't sit around all day like you, pretending to work while you're actually playing Chinese Checkers with Crabby. And when I say "Chinese Checkers", I mean "Cleveland Steamer".
Hey Entropic, Osama called. He wants his beard back. He said you can keep all the vermin you find, though.
Entropic was an unwanted child. Now he's wanted by all three branches of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
Entropic told me he wanted to follow Trotsky so I put a pickaxe thru his brain. Took six tries. Talk about tiny targets.
As you know, Entropic_Catalys t and his wife, Mrs._Catalyst, are returning to the states, and so the Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to "shocking pink".
Entropic, I know you like riddles, so here's one for you. What's green and kicks you to the curb? Praada's U.S. Permanent Resident Card.
heartagram-- you paid Praada $300? I didn't know she charged by the pound.
Oh man, did Praada have another abortion right here on the dais? Oh wait, that's CheGuevara. Che, you look like a blastocyst in Nikes.
Che recently tried out for Manchester United, but he was told he looked too young. They said come back in ten years.
In case you dumbass Americans are too busy playing Pokemon to know what I'm talking about, it's soccer. I believe you Brits call it "buggery".
Speaking of Pokemon, che, you collect Pokemon cards, right? Do you have the one that says, "I am a zero with no friends"? Ask heartagram, he's got extras. If you blow him, maybe he'll give you one. I'm kidding. You'll blow him anyway.
And that's not all they have in common. che misspelled Three Musketeers. heartagram eats Three Musketeers. He also occasionally enjoys candy.
The other thing you two have in common is you both bombed. Fat Man And Little Boy.
But there's good news for Che-- his testicles dropped down today. Yep, vaderdk finally let go.
"The Achiever"-- I'm assuming you named yourself ironically. What kind of dickwad names himself "The Achiever" and originally spells it wrong?
But you've come a long way. The other day he said to me, "A year ago, I couldn't even spell 'Achiever'. Now I are one.'"
You lust after Golden Gnomz status like heartagram lusts after Deep-Fried Coca-Cola™. So I have a very special announcement. Come on down and get your Golden Gnomz. And when I say "Gnomz", I mean "shower".
Nice set, tho. I'm talking about heartagram's rack, not your pathetic excuse for a roast. I would say you blew dead elephants, but I think I saw one of them move. The last time anybody laid an egg that big, a T-Rex popped out.
Crazycracker is NOT here tonight. Crazycracker IS here? Crazycracker is not here. Ha, ha, ha. Aww. He was going to come, but he had to go to another roast. And when I say "roast", I mean "cross burning". And shouldn't he spell his name "KrazyKracKer"? Or would 3 k's be too obvious?
And too bad about boinky33, but I guess they couldn't squeeze him in. The doorway. And they buttered it and everything. But he ate all the butter.
Oh look, MDickson20 actually showed up. Glad you made it this time, jerkoff. Your dog couldn't eat your computer tonight?
You know, I thought "Dickson" was just a cute little name he made up for the internets, but I met his dad... and he REALLY IS a dick.
MDickson is like Zeppo Marx-- he's actually the funniest of all his brothers, but nobody really gives a shit about him.
Allegria said MDickson's brothers are his expression of his multiple personalities, but I happen to know that MDickson doesn't have multiple personalities. He barely has the one.
And people say Allegria is flat-chested, but that's a lie. Allegria has big ol' titties-- for the 56-year-old man he actually is.
I'm kidding of course. She's flatter than an electroencephalo gram of Flint's brain waves.
Her cup size is the same as her GPA-- A minus.
At the pool yesterday she accidentally put on swim goggles instead of her bikini top and they fit better.
At least now we know how she keeps her girlish figure. She throws up a lot. Especially when she's around vaderdk421. vader, why don't you come out to the house next weekend? My wife Reese could stand to lose a few.
It feels weird to finish this before my future third ex-wife Rednecks even gets started, but I guess she's used to that. Being with sir_sweet and all. In case you didn't know, "smoothie" and "mango" are Spic code for "cock" and "splooge".
But don't you love how Entropic pretends he has no idea where she is? Just like he's going to say later to the FBI, "Honest, ossifer, I have no idea how she came to be lying hog-tied on the stone floor of my dungeon face-down in a pool of her own urine with my filthy underpants stuffed into her mouth."
Rednecks and I have a love-hate relationship. She loves me and I hate her.
She invited me to her house tomorrow to watch that anime shit but I can't make it. I'm going to the barber's and he's going to take his straight razor and cut my throat ear to ear.
The only oriental anime I'm interested in is Anna May Wong.
No, all seriousness aside, you people are like family to me. My wife Reese's family. You're fat, obnoxious, ignorant, boring, unfunny, cheap, and always asking for rides to the fucking airport.
I think of you all as my children. Not because I fucked each and every one of your mothers. Although I did. But the kind of sex your moms like doesn't result in pregnancy.
How about a group hug? And when I say "hug", I mean "jackhammer pudding pie".
How DO you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume? Yes, I'm talking about you, heartagram. Some money would be nice, ya fat fuck.
You're all just a bunch of cereal plagiarists. You're so obsessed with me you eat the corn from my shit, and then crap out AN EXACT DUPLICATE OF THAT CORN.
If I've been hard on (I said hard on) all of you tonight, it's because I love. And it's because it's the only thing that I agree on with Dubya-- No Child Left Behind. Don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be-- Entropic_Catalys t's. His motto is "No child's behind left".
I've had a gay old time here tonight. This is the gayest time since doctorwho in drag tossed ajdomican's salad while they watched "Brokeback Mountain" on their iPods during Rufus Wainwright's tribute to Judy Garland in an AIDS benefit at Reading Gaol.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Thank you, and good night.
Remember, you all have school tomorrow and I don't.
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